The unknown Dangers Preachers Face.

It is one of the unwritten rules of a Sunday Church Service. At some point a preacher will stand up to preach a sermon. At this point things get flexible, the person preaching could be male, female, dog collared, cat collared, but either way there is normally a preacher giving a sermon in church during a Sunday Service.

This preacher faces a number of dangers, every time a sermon is preached:

1. Someone in the congregation seeing if your phone is on silent.
2. That glass of water on the floor. Watch your feet.
3. Wearing the wrong thing will create offence to someone. Don’t wear a shirt and tie… There will be complaints… Wear a shirt and tie, the people not used to you in a tie might giggle at you…
4. That guy standing at the back, subtly doing the “your fly is low” action.
5. The edge of the stage.
6. The potential for complications with technology (e.g. microphone, powerpoint).
7. Notes jumping on to the floor of their own according and scattering.
8. Realising you’ve forgotten a page of your sermon notes.
9. The gentle cough you had this morning, returning with a vengeance, at a crucial moment.
10. A slip of the tongue…

Any others that should be mentioned?

How To Stay Cool in Church

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but its hot. Well its hot in Devon anyway.

I imagine its also hot elsewhere.

Its also hot in Churches around England.

So how do you deal with Church, when you turn up and its massively hot?

Here are our ten ideas of how to stay cool in church when its massively hot. 

1. Open the flipping windows!
2. Have a mass baptism service. Just get everyone into the baptism pool. If nothing else it will cool everyone down.
3. Give Pizza Hut a call, get a ice cream delivery, yes – to be delivered during the service.
4. Relocate the church service to the nearest mountain top / river bed / supermarket freezer cabinets.
5. Give out emergency water bottles.
6. Install cold showers at the back of the church.
7. Decrease the chance of any one fainting during the service and just edit EVERYTHING down!
8. Giant air fans. Everywhere!
9. Swap out bread and wine for ice cream.
10. Naked church.

Any other ideas?

What Did You Take From The Sermon?

Have you ever been in Church at the end of the sermon, just to be encouraged to turn to your neighbour, and share what you took from the sermon?

Almost like some form of punishment for making it through the sermon without using the escape tunnel out of the Church?

But what is an acceptable answer?

Here are a few ideas of what Sofa has taken from past sermons.

1. The Holy Spirit is a Seal?
2. Don’t be like Homer Simpson?
3. I am not a washing machine.
4. I shouldn’t have had decaf before the service.
5. I should put some washing on.
6. Mental Note: Don’t eat curry on a Saturday night.
7. Church leaders need a better Star Wars education. Perhaps theres an idea for a training course there?
8. An idea for new Christian merchandise.
9. How much communion wine is… you know… too much?
10. I should make a Lego Jesus figure and take photos of him around the place.

What have you taken from a sermon recently?

(As a side note, finding a stock photo for “listening”, which didn’t feature a small group of people having a chat, or listening on headphones, was harder than I expected.)

101 Things To Do In A Boring Sermon

This moment must have happened to me a number of times. Its that moment in church, that where no matter what you do, you just cant seem to pay attention to the sermon. For whatever reason, the sermon is boring, and you need to do something to stop sleep from setting in. So what can you do in a boring sermon?

To celebrate 6 years of Church Sofa, we’ve put together 101 Things To Do In A Boring Sermon.

Be warned, some of these require the following implements:

• Pencil
• Paper
• Post it notes,
• Smart Phone.
• A strong bladder.

Once you have the above, here are 101 Things To Do In A Boring Sermon.

1. Can you subtly take a selfie of yourself pretending to be asleep?
2. Very gently plait the hair of the person in front of you. Bonus points if he’s a dude with very short hair.
3. Use a selfie stick and see how many people are asleep on the row ahead of you.
4. Consider checking Facebook. Realise that’s far to obvious.
5. Ponder about the popularity of TED talks, and how this relates to the length of a normal sermon.
6. Write notes from the sermon word – for – word.
7. Complete the following calculation: If Jesus can turn water into wine, how much wine is ok to drink before you start on the water?
8. Try calling mobiles of other people who preach in the congregation. See who’s not switch it to silence.
9. Try to answer the question : “Did Judas have a choice?”
10. Wonder if long lists could ever be the basis of a book.
11. Ask the person beside you “How much communion wine I’m I really allowed to drink?”
12. Calculate how long it’s been since you last went to Church.
13. Indulge in some live tweeting.
14. Like The Church Sofa Facebook page.
15. Consider praying for someone to really learn something from this sermon, and thank God for the person preaching.
16. Sketch out a picture of your Church.
17. If the preacher was one of the Friends characters, which one would they be?
18. How much communion wine is to much communion wine?
19. Mentally plan out a Social Media calendar for your church.
20. Write a series of Christian insults on a series of post it notes.
21. How many post it notes can you stick to the back of the person in front of you?
22. Mentally plan out how to get the above to happen.
23. Write someone a love note.
24. Sketch out a picture of your Church, if it was filled with clowns.
25. Ask yourself, if Delirious were to reunite for one gig (obviously held in your church), what would that set list look like?
26. Imagine the sermon if it was preached by C3P0.
27. Organise a betting ring, place a bet on which way that sleeping person is going to fall.
28. Order Pizza. If you get any puzzled looks from other people on the pews, explain that you are evangelizing to Pizza Hut.
29. Mentally redesign the church website.
30. Play sermon bingo.
31. See that baby in the row in front of you? Find out how easy it is taking candy from a baby. (Warning. Don’t get shot)
32. Count how many times a small child can run rings around the preacher whilst their preaching, before the preacher looks annoyed.
33. Count how many times you can run rings around the preacher whilst their preaching, before the preacher looks annoyed.
34. Sketch out a picture of your Church, if it was filled with Daleks.
35. Pass a secret note to your mate in the worship band. Bonus points if you’re sat in the back row.
36. Look up on your phones amazon app which inflatable pillow you’re going to buy.
37. Work out which is the safest direction to lean in case you go to sleep.
38. Play PCC Top Trumps.
39. Open a betting ring on your row. Take bets on how many people in your church are pregnant.
40. Form a discussion group amongst your row, discuss who would preach a better sermon. Captain Kirk, or Captain Picard?
41. Look at the shirts of the people on the row in front. Imagine which would give you the worst head ache if you were ever to be hungover in Church.
42. Write a play that features Jesus in the role of Batman, and Judas in the role of The Joker.
43. Whisper to the person next to you that you’ve been diagnosed with the black death. Take a photo of the look on their face.
44. Whisper to the person on the other side of you that you’ve been diagnosed with the black death. Take a photo of the look on their face. Compare and contrast the two faces.
45. Using your hands as puppets, act out the sermon.
46. Sketch out the plan for The Church Sofa App.
47. Try working out at which point, I decided writing a list of 101 things to do in a boring sermon was a bad idea.
48. Work out a business plan for your church to open a brewery.
49. Send the Church Sofa a tweet to say hello.
50. Wonder if any more “plugs” can be thrown into this list.
51. Check out the Dads Sofa while using your church wifi. (Looks like I can include one more)
52. Take your pen, and write the person in front of you a note. (By writing on the back of their neck)
53. Text people that you know will be in church the following message: “Hello, I’m just testing that your phone is on silent.”
54. Sketch out a picture of your Church, if it mirrored the biblical model of Church.
55. Ponder if God is speaking, is anyone listening.
56. Draw what an Army of Bones would actually look like.
57. Imagine if the sermon was told in the style of a 1980s Doctor Who. (Which had ran out of budget for that years series)
58. Calculate how many church committees it would take to change a lightbulb.
59. Write notes in the style of a Simpsons comic.
60. Measure how much water you can get away with drinking without needing to pee. Write down how much you get away with drinking before needing to go to the toilet. Challenge yourself to drink more next time.
61. Read the Church Bible. Choose which embarrassing Bible verse you are going to ask the preacher about after the service.
62. Scribble a plan for a comedy music video featuring the church leadership team.
63. Work out who you need to speak to about the wifi code.
64. Sketch out a picture of your Church, from the point of view of people who are outside.
65. Got nasty hayfever? Plan for what you can use once your tissues run out!
66. Write proper notes.
67. Bribe the PA guy to create a “Technical Fault”.
68. Try and sneak a plastic duck into the baptism pool.
69. Imagine what the preacher would look like dressed as The Doctor.
70. Write your own silly list.
71. Challenge yourself and see how far you can army crawl away from the hall before you are seen.
72. Stand at the back and make the “Your flies are down” action.
73. Make a paper aeroplane with the notice sheet. See how far it can fly.
74. If the preacher was one of The Big Bang Theory characters, which one would they be?
75. Sketch out a picture of your Church, if it was more inviting to people who dont go to Church/
76. Ponder. How many deacons are to many?
77. Read the Bible, write an encouraging note in the side of pages.
78. Silent disco on the back row.
79. Livestream yourself online sleeping.
80. If you’re still wondering what the guitarist was doing during worship consider taking some guitar lessons.
81. Can you catch a Pokemon from your seat? (If you see one please send the church sofa a picture of a pokemon in Church)
82. Dont ask what your Church can do for you, but what you can do for your Church… or something…
83. Contact the Church Sofa and encourage him to actually write that book about being a Church Sofa. (Feel free to suggest better ideas)
84. Calculate the environmental impact of the amount of the amount of weekly paper based church leaflets.
85. Distract that also distracted child, so their parents dont have to.
86. Imagine the sermon if it was preached by R2D2.
87. Count the amount of times I refer to communion wine in this list.
88. Whisper in to the Church Wardens ear about setting up a traffic light system at the back of the hall to encourage preachers to wrap up when its time.
89. Apologise to the Church Warden for whispering into their ear.
90. Scribble down a list of signs that your church could have outside.
91. Do the YMCA dance at the back of the church hall.
92. Arrange a number of people to hold up score cards at the end of the sermon.
93. Ask yourself. Does the writer of this list, regret spending his time writing this silly list?
94. Try and work out what the worst question the preacher could ask you about this sermon is.
95. Wonder what was going on in Andys’ head that led to Tales From The Toy Shelf becoming a “thing”.
96. Count the grammer / spellling mistakes in this list. Dont share them. Please.
97. Count the amount of TV / Film references in this list.
98. Reread this silly list and spot the duplicates.
99. Reread this silly list and count the entries that suggest some level of regret about this idea.
100. Comment below about what you want to see from The Church Sofa during the next year of its life.
101. Ask yourself why you only considered doing number 15.

Any more that you would add?