10 Ways Kids Survive A Boring Sermon

In the past, Sofa has spent many a post (and tweet) pondering how to survive a boring sermon. While all that has been great for the older people in the church, to quote a panicked soul, “Wont somebody think of the children?”

After 5 years of watching, and learning from both Mini Sofa, and other kids around, we’ve collected the following list of how kids can survive a boring sermon:

If you have a bored child, perhaps they’ll find inspiration from the following ideas:

1. Crawl under the seats, and between the legs of the people sitting in them, until you reach the back and freedom! Just run faster then your grown up!
2. In a push chair? Chop the bottom out and drive it around Flintstones style! Dont have a push chair? Just pretend the seat you’re on is a car instead!
3. Does your church have pews? Bring a car in… those little ledges behind each pew makes a great race track. Ensure there are sounds effects.
4. Be so hungry you could eat a bible… (You’re never to young to digest the word of God right?)
5. When no one is looking… Check if the fire extinguisher really works! (Based on true story)
6. Wave at other little people sat in other parts of the hall. Wait till any silent moments before your shout “HELLO”.
7. Make faces at the preacher during the service. They’ll love it
8. Is your parent leading the service? Make sure they don’t misbehave by going up front and keeping them company.
9. Is your parent the hugging, needy type? Demand a hug. When they pick you up… scream that you want to be put down.
10. You and a friend, see who can run around the Church hall the fastest! See what happens…

Any we’ve missed?

Getting Little Children To Church: A Timeline.

Have you ever struggled to get yourself to church on time? If you have children, you’ll know that the struggle to get children AND adults to church on time, has its own challenges*. Now admittedly we only have Little Sofa, so perhaps this speaks of our own organisation, but I figured it would be interesting to note down our typical timeline of events before we leave for church on a Sunday morning.

The minutes before we need to leave, are in bold…

65 minutes : Everyone goes to get clothes on.
60 minutes: Little Sofa successfully lobbies for a bath.
55 : Upon being told that bath is ready, Little Sofa proceeds to play statues.
50 : Little Sofa is put into the bath.
30 : Negotiations begin over who washes whose hair.
20: Hair washed. Little Sofa thrown into clothes.
15: Negotiations over different clothing begin.
10: Daddy challenges Little Sofa over who can get ready first. Little Sofa shouts “Me!”
9 minutes, 50 seconds. : Daddy checks twitter.
9 minutes, 49 seconds : Little Sofa declares that she is ready, and yes. Indeed. She also has shoes on.
8 minutes : Daddy falls downstairs, he finds Little Sofa was joking and is in fact just finishing getting clothes on.
5 minutes : The Game Of Statues restarts.
3 minutes: There is a shout “I’m already! I got my shoes on before you!”. She is in fact, next to the front door, with shoes on. Where as, Daddy doesn’t have shoes on. Or socks for that matter.

Time to go!!!!: There is a shout of “Can I bring all my babies” *proceeds to go upstairs to bring, all her babies**

5 minutes late : ALL THE BABIES ARE IN THE CAR. Once the car is parked up at church, there is a request of… “I want to bring all the babies… they might cry if I leave them in the car!”
Negotiations begin over which babies should stay in the car.

*Obviously some families manage to get everyone of their huge family to church on time. Every weekend. Fresh faced, and smiling. These people are obviously on a heavenly fast track, as examples of pure Godly organisation.

** Dolls. Not babies. I repeat. They are really dolls. Lots and lots of dolls.

Not babies.